Teen dating tips I wish I'd known

About two weeks later, some of my sister's female friends showed up at the house to visit. I noticed one of them right away as a new face, a beautiful girl about two years younger than me. I telephoned her later.

She gave me permission to visit her family's home. It was on the grounds of an elite organization I'll call Obsidian Country Club and Golf Course. The club and golf course were south of Broken Arrow, and most of the rich lived there. She wanted me to sit on the family sofa and chatter with whoever was in the room.

My 18-year-old mind saw this as an opportunity. If I was part of her life, I might convince her to become my girlfriend. For three years, that's what I worked on.

I tried to show my feelings every way I knew: Kind words, gifts, strumming chords on guitar, poems, etc.

Whenever I gave her a greeting card, I included the word "love." I reasoned that writing the word might nudge me closer to love being part of the arrangement.

I should have walked out after six weeks. But my female classmates were no longer part of my daily life. Opportunities to meet single girls my age had dwindled.

This arrangement mixed humiliation and resentment. Periodically, I tried to bring up the topic. She refused to discuss it, which had the effect of denying me a voice.

One good thing sprang from this. Her father paid for a trip to Grand Canyon. It included me, her, and the daughter of one of her father's business associates. The environment in Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona was spectacular. Nature embraced us all.

I once overheard her speaking to some other girls. She explained that she ranked men by how interesting they were. As an example, she named one of my male classmates, and said she had dated him and found him exciting. That was bitter for me. I confirmed her narrative years later by contacting him online.

When she graduated from high school, she enrolled in college because her family had loads of money. (Unlike my family.) She met many new people at college.

Consistent with her policy of excluding my voice, she sent a curt note ending the arrangement. The tone was corporate, and I wondered if that was the influence of her elite friends.

One of her high school classmates was at the same college and told me there would be a friendship afterwards. That meant the classmate was under the impression that I had been dating her friend. Rather than appear unmanly, I let that stand.

The dream was that I could change her mind. The reality was that she preferred someone else.

I sent three letters while believing the friendship statement. But, the letters revealed feelings of sadness, disappointment, and anger. This violated the no-discussion policy. I never heard from her again.

Three years gone. Lessons learned. This is the only time in my life that I grieved the death of a dream. Otherwise, I have grieved the deaths of family or friends.

Changing negative into positive:

I would like to help young people avoid this type of relationship...

Red flags

1. Other person puts you in position of seeking their approval
2. Other person angry if you protest unfairness
3. Other person not honest with you
4. Other person benefits from power imbalance

What to do

1. Calmly walk out the door.
2. You don't have to say good-bye.
3. Don't look back.
4. There is a better life ahead.

List of rights

Everyone deserves a relationship built on respect. Every person has the right to:

1. Know that your worth is inherent and never depends on earning another person's approval.
2. Share in decisions that affect both partners.
3. Express your feelings and know they will be heard with respect.
4. Have disagreements that include listening as well as talking. A relationship is a conversation.
5. Ask honest questions in an atmosphere of trust and openness.
6. Choose relationships where your voice is welcomed and your individuality is valued.
7. Be appreciated for who you are, rather than pressured to become someone else.
8. Have your boundaries respected.
9. Understand that healthy love is freely given and does not require you to constantly prove your value.
10. Be treated with kindness and respect, even during disagreements.
11. Express your opinions honestly, even when they differ from your partner's.
12. Know that acceptance should never require sacrificing your dignity or your identity.

Video: Real teens share relationship deal-breakers

Sources

• Grown & Flown; Help your teen step away from a toxic friendship: avoiding toxic friendship (new tab/window)
• Healthy Children: Expect respect: healthy relationship tips for teens: Expect respect (new tab/window)
• Focus On The Family: Teaching teens about love and how to recognize a toxic relationship: recognize toxicity (new tab/window)